Okay, so as of last week, I'm 18 now. No more lying about my age on internet sites or complaining about R-Ratings on movies. By law, the changes are in effect but it seems my life just keeps moving right along. It was as if age was really just a number. I mean sure, I've started to have an affinity for drinking and I came up with the courage to kiss a guy on the cheek but I still want more. We're not young forever, you know? Thing is, I don't really know what to expect. I'm sitting here, expecting more from life, when I have no idea what I actually want to happen. Surprise me.

Anyway, I think my debut went well. Enjoyed seeing my friend in their costumes. Since there was school the day after, we couldn't really "party all night." Still, after having half of my guest list cut off, I'd say it was a success. I'm probably never gonna organize another event like that ever. 18 Extra Lives felt kinda awkward but I liked the concept and it's nice hearing nice stuff about me. It did a lot to my self-esteem. I know I act all prideful and arrogant at times but it's only a mask to my insecurities. I tend to over-dress for something because I like hearing compliments about the way I look. It's how I get by my loneliness. You know what they say, you can't love anyone until you've learned to love yourself and quite frankly, I need people to help me love myself. That went from a simple narrative of events to a teen angst rant, I'm sorry.

I've been enjoying my gifts recently. I cashed in a Starbucks GC, I've been using this nifty pink handbag often because it reminded me of Hermione's purse, I've been watching Scrubs every night starting from Season 1 and I think I've been spending my shopping money just a little too much. I have to put it in my head that it's gonna be all gone soon so I have to reduce my extravagant spending from now on if I want to buy a corset top for myself. Money I was supposed to use for when I go thrift shopping. Good thing I'm not saving up for anything expensive in particular like an iPod or a new guitar.

Random thought, I wonder if I should sell my guitar. I mean, I don't know. I've had it for almost three years and I couldn't even play one song properly without making a mistake on one chord. Sometimes I wonder why I even asked for it in the first place. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough but even if I did play well, what was I gonna do with it? I would hate ending up as a generic girl who can only do acoustic covers of songs. I don't know.

I'm a very angry, rambly person. Just noticed.

Oh well. I got a birthday greeting on Twitter from the Pepe Diokno so suck it.

The days of my youth are numbered. In just a few days, I'll be making the jump to legality with my 18th birthday party. Exciting because I'll be spending it with the people I love and, well, I'll be legal. But then there's this angsty empty feeling where I feel like I wasted my youth. It's one of those "she already *insert verb/achievement here* and she's not even 18, yet!" I dunno. We're all special in our own special way, of course. But I'd say I lived a pretty average life. Does this mean I'll still live an average life in the following years? Hopefully not.

I've been having fun planning my birthday celebration. I chose my own theme, my own concept and my own music. I'm going for a video game theme where my guests would be dressed up as various video game characters. There's going to be simplistic video game music playing in the background. And instead of the 18 Roses thing in formal debuts, I created the concept of 18 Extra Lives to go with the theme. Things have been pretty awesome. I'm close to achieving my projected guest list. I had so many party concepts running through my head but I settled with video games because, well, you come to a point where you'll have to be more mature with the things you do but you don't really want to completely let go of your childhood. Plus, I'm not like other girls. I like being weird.

Anyway, today was pretty awesome! Got to meet Pepe Diokno. Excuse me while I try to control my fangirlish smile. :D And I got to see Daddy Neil... WITH HIS KIDS. First time I saw them in real life! So yeah. The last few days of my being underaged? Not so bad!

I'm sorting out my playlist now. My video game playlist is all good. Just need to fix my normal music playlist.

 Well, I didn't get anything I asked for in my wishlist. It's not all bad, though. I had received a lot of gifts over the stretch of December. I got money (like the new 20 peso bill I saw on Tumblr), a Lady Gaga biography (which I finished reading in one day), a chance to watch Darren Criss in concert, a pair of sketch pads (for the second time in a row), a Krispy Kreme gift certificate, a PS3 and a faster and more efficient internet connection. I used to complain about how slow browsing was when uTorrent was on but now, the speed conflict seems to have disappeared.  Problem with my old connection was that it had the tendency to lose the "Local and Internet" access unless I reset the power of the router. The age-old problem's been fixed now, thankfully. So yes, I will have a pleasurable browsing time now.

My holiday's been accompanied by some Christmas blues, too. They're fixing the pipes at a nearby area and our place has been affected by this so we've been experiencing our own little water shortage and we've only been getting water flow at the wee hours. The lack of water really throws off my cleansing regimen. Also, I'm buried in publicity work with my org by having to make posters and such. Well, I can do it with little effort so it's not the kind of work I'm complaining about but rather the fact that I have to work instead of enjoying my Christmas break. Oh well.

Anyway, this is the closing week to the year 2010. How am I spending it? Well, yesterday, my mom and I went to watch "Rosario" and let me tell you, for an MMFF movie, it's really good. It's a bit overdramatic and it's heavy on annoying cameos but despite being billed with top stars, the whole movie manages to avoid being "star-centric" which is the greatest flaw of most Philippine movies nowadays. It's second to the last on the box office ranking which is a real shame but I guess I expected it. I wish this movie would financially succeed by word of mouth. It worked with "Inception," it could work with "Rosario." Tomorrow, I'll be going on a post-Christmas shopping spree with estrella_blanca and the day after that, I'll be sleeping over at krista_meth 's place. Then I'll be staying in Shangri-La Makati with my sister and my mom on New Year's Eve. I'm very much looking forward to the week ahead!

 Well, Christmas is around the corner! Before I go into making a graphic representation of my Christmas wishlist, I'll just go talk about my female life for a while. Umm. I think it's safe to say that I don't have feelings for anyone in real life. I've returned to lusting over fictional characters because, well, I'm not in a hurry, really! I can wait until I start working before I decide to insert myself in a relationship. Granted, this makes me less motivated in the things I do, especially in school, but I have to train myself to believe that love, unrequited or not, is not the only motivator. Move over, teachers and guys-my-age! It's Shi-Long Lang's time to shine! (That sounded less sad in my head.)

Also, it just occurred to me that I'm going to be 18 next month! The closer I am to this number, the more I've been rethinking my position on living a straight edge lifestyle. I've been asking myself if this is what I really want in life. After much thought, I've decided on just living the straight edge philosophy rather than the lifestyle. So yes, I can dabble in drinking if I want to but I will never use it as a crutch in going through life whenever I feel depressed. Try to smoke at least once... Why not? But I'll be pushing myself in not using it as a stress reliever like others do. I believe that's the essence of straight edge, anyway. Exercising your independence, not swaying from peer pressure, and relying on yourself and not on anything else to get through life.

And in some womanly matters (men, you can skip this paragraph) I learned from my gynecologist that the reason why I'm so irregular and why I haven't had my period in three months was because of my sudden weight gain. I don't get it either. You'd think all that walking around campus would've solved that problem but I guess this is what you call the "Freshman 15." It's not like I gained 15 pounds or anything! I just... I don't know anymore. So anyway, I'm changing my lifestyle in this manner too so I can regulate my weight and in turn, regulate my hormones. If that doesn't work, I have to take some monthly pills of some sort. We'll see at the end of December.

Anywho... We now move on to my Christmas wishlist! I kinda don't expect anyone to get me any of these but hey, a girl can dream, right?

( Onto the wishlist! )

Indeed, I have the audacity to update my LJ after a certain period of inactivity. Perhaps I could relay to you some updates on the first few days of my second semester in bullet points? Yes. Yes, let's do that.

• My Nat Sci 1 prof is a terror prof but I have no intention of dropping out of his class.
• I didn't get the Math class I wanted (Math 2) but I guess I could settle with the simpler Math 1.
• STS is awesome and the faculty-in-charge looks like Pierce Brosnan. (That's probably an exaggeration but that's what came to my mind when I saw him and heard him speak.)
• Our Spanish prof is the polar opposite of our old one. She's very quirky and very patient. I like her!
• My Kas 2 prof is one of my org's Faculty Advisers. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing for me but he's funny and insightful, so he's good.
• I've been doing a shitload of graphics for my org and the department. I will probably be doing more in the future.

I guess you could say I'm kinda busy. Or perhaps I just have other stuff to do.. Like Ace Attorney and Professor Layton consuming most of my time on the internet now. God, I am so easily distracted.

Is it so wrong to look in the mirror and tell yourself "You're fat and you're ugly?" Is it so wrong to wish you could change yourself physically? Is it so wrong to want to change yourself... for yourself?

I know girls should love the way they look and all but I think what makes that attitude bad is when girls change their selves because the guy they like likes a certain look or the person the guy likes is skinny and pretty. I was pretty close to sink to that level. I'm always on the borderline of that with every guy I desire.

Then I had a sort of a wake-up call. An epiphany that came to me from God knows what.

I want to change myself. I always look angry. When I smile in photos, I look like I'm out to kill Batman. The shape of my tummy sticks out so much like a sore thumb, I look like I'm pregnant. My thighs are huge so it takes the attention away from my ass. My boobs aren't proportional to the rest of my body. I have eyebags and pimple scars on my face that I've inflicted on myself. Like Regina George, I have man-shoulders. My fingernails look terrible.

I am not flawless. Nobody is. I like to think I was born this way but I wasn't. I did all of this to myself and I regret all my past mistakes. Now I'm looking for ways to change all of that. I was cute when I was a kid. I could've been beautiful but years of stress and leading a bum life took my face and body to a different direction.

I need to smile more. I need to be less cynical. I need to work out daily. I need to eat less (but not starve myself, of course.) I need to apply that Revaglow stuff my derma doctor aunt gave me. I need a healthier diet. I need a better fashion sense. I need to stop biting my nails. I... I don't know what to do about my boobs, actually. But I read that birth control pills and estrogen pills aid in increasing its size so I could go with that option, I guess.

I need to change myself. This is me, not being a slave to media or to some guy I like. I am changing myself for myself. Maybe even for the guy I have yet to meet. I don't know what he wants his girl to look like but at least when he tells me I'm beautiful, I can wholeheartedly agree with him.

And please, don't try to negate the stuff I just mentioned by insisting that I'm not fat or ugly or whatever. This is MY perception of beauty. Don't worry about me because I assure you, I still have principles.

Life is good. The first semester is coming to a close end and it came through like a breeze. The most stressed I've been during that period was the time we had to do a report for our Kas 1 class a day after the assignment was given to us. It was practically hellish for us but it didn't feel like hell for me considering who Satan was in this metaphor. Guess you don't really empathize with others' turmoil when you actually enjoy what they do.

Same could be said about the application process with UP LIKAS. I find it sad when people defer from joining. I just feel like it's a wasted opportunity, especially when you yourself have worked hard in other parts of the process. Hope the others would try again, though! I know I sound like some sort of Wonder Woman because I sound like I had an easy time with the application process. I didn't find it easy. In fact, I found it time consuming. It only felt easy because I really wanted to be a part of that org. Long story short, I got in.

I'm quite excited for my sem break already. My mom found this airline promo on a trip to Singapore so we had ourselves booked for three days and two nights. It's gonna be my first international flight so I can't wait for that! I think she also said she would buy me a laptop while we're there. I shouldn't expect too much so I wouldn't be bummed out. I just wanna go to Universal Studios! ... Sentosa. Plus, it's Singapore! Which means it's very clean, well-maintained and disciplined! A change in scenery from what I'm used to here.

And contrary to popular belief about my LJ, I can go one entry without going angsty over Daddy Neil! (He shaved his facial hair. FML.)

I finally know the feeling of being rewarded by a teacher I like. I don't know if it's because it's college or if it's just him. When Daddy Neil came to class after I gave him his birthday card that morning, he told the class that those who signed the card would get plus points from him.

Finally. Someone who recognizes effort and actually gives something back in return.

You don't know how long I've been waiting for an opportunity like that.

Thank you for being that opportunity, Daddy Neil! <3 Hope you had a very happy birthday with your wife and kids. :D

Dear You,

By the time you get to read this entry, you would probably wonder why I call you my daddy. Don't worry. You didn't impregnate someone when you were 21 years old. I simply want you to be like a father to me as I want to be like a daughter to you.

But every time we encounter each other, I wrestle with my emotions because I struggle to find the right type of thoughts to associate with you. I want you to be my psychological father and nothing more and yet I still long to be the Lolita to your possible, underlying Professor Humbert-like desires.

How do I resist such emotions when I feel so synchronized with your beliefs on life and the curiosities of this world we live in? How does platonic love prevail over lust when your captivating smile, youthful good looks and protective physique drags me to a state of bliss? How can I stay calm when I speak of your name when you display so much passion and knowledge in what you do?

To put it simply, I love you. What context of love, that I am not sure of.

By the time you finish reading this... You would probably fearing for your life right now.

Can I just say I loved this day? So Tuesdays and Thursdays, the only class I have is Spanish and thirty minutes later, my prof hasn't shown up so it was basically a free cut which is good. I'm not never in the mood for Spanish class.

Then I egged my blockmate to accompany me to the EL Department so we can reserve an LCD projector for our presentation tomorrow in class but it turns out it was already reserved by our prof so we didn't have to worry about that anymore.

When we left the department office, at that moment, I saw my Daddy Neil at the hallway about to climb the stairs near the office! And I was like "WHAT IS THIS, FATE?" So naturally I went up to him and said hi and he asked us how we found the video showing yesterday. Just seeing that smile on his face brings me great joy!

Heeheehee. I love this day. Now I must work on my Powerpoint presentation.